Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy and girl go out on a couple of dates, and then girl calls on the DTR talk- define the relationship. Have any of you been there? Where all of the sudden you are about to go from the friend zone in to the dating zone? It's terrifying!Recently, a friend asked me to do the same thing with my relationship with Jesus- define it. Describing any relationship is difficult, especially when you are talking about your Savior. I almost hesitate to use the word relationship- that feels too fleshy, and human to define a supernatural relationship. I like the words covenant, and commitment. I'm not my own anymore because of Him. Either way, for the purpose of this blog, I'd like to share my walk, in hopes that it would encourage you in the place you find yourself while reading this. Or better yet, be the catalyst to the discovery of the best choice you could ever make for yourself- the choice to know Jesus. I'm going to give this a shot; ahead of time, just know words can't do Jesus justice.
I can remember first hearing about an "intimate, personal relationship with Jesus" when we started attending our current church (The Crossing). I never had a concept of who Jesus was, or what He had done for me. How are you in relationship with someone you can't touch, or see? How do you have a relationship with GOD? How do you talk to him, and how does He talk back? I had so many questions, almost overwhelmingly so at times. Jesus is deeper and wider than my mind is able to reach. I desperately wanted to understand what is was like to be in communion with the One who saved my soul; the one who ransomed me; the one who sealed my eternity with His life. I imagine how He sat patiently in those early days when I stumbled through prayers. How he listened to me rattle off all the ways He could clean me up and make my life easier; treating Him as if He were an ATM to dispense my request at the submission of a PIN. I imagine how He knew the words I had on my tongue, and waited patiently to hear my voice speak His name. After all, He had been waiting since the beginning of time for me to come around. He always was, and always will be- I was the one who wasn't. Like any relationship, there is a time when it is unevenly balanced- one person does more work, more pursuing, offers more attention. While that isn't ideal, it happens. You and I have always been the slackers in the relationship- Jesus pursues and loves us unceasingly. And still, the love in his eyes, burning hotter than any flame I'll ever experience this side of Heaven, never stops. He committed to me when I was still undecided about how I felt about Him. He "defined the relationship" before I knew there could be one!
In the last two years, my relationship with Jesus has moved from a list of things He could do for me, into me asking myself how I could be obedient to Him. When I stopped ASKING for things and started LOOKING for Him, the relationship took on a new meaning- it became deeper, more full. You see, it's not about me, it never has been, but it has always been about Him. My cooperation with His spirit allows the space for Him to grow, convict, and challenge every part of my life. Prompting me to follow Him, leaving everything I thought I knew before Him behind.
My relationship with Jesus feeds every other relationship in my life. My marriage, parenting, friendships, and even my ENEMIES (Ahh!- yes, I have enemies)- none of it is out of Christ's reach. He is my guide on how to love when I don't want to, how to control my mouth when it's out of control, how to treat people that have treated me terribly. Daily, I'm prompted to resist what my flesh wants and ask myself "What does Jesus say?". It sounds weird, right? Those bracelets in the 90's that people wore saying "WWJD"- What would Jesus do? I thought, "How stupid!!" And now that I understand it, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm practicing taking thoughts captive, not just my own, but the thoughts of the world I'm saturated in, and laying them over the Truth of scripture. I'm practicing recognition of where He has me, and what I can do where I am, instead of asking for ways He can remove me from the circumstance (or obliterate my enemies). I'm practicing discernment, wisdom, and standing firm in my faith. Hear me--- I don't need to earn my place with Jesus- I already have a place, I always have. His commitment to me is not based on my righteousness, but His great mercy. Instead, I'm working because He's asked me to. Through circumstance, prayer, scripture, or people in my life, He's convicted me. That's what my relationship with Him does- I am in a constant state of change, growth, and movement. I'm listening, seeking, and asking. He takes 1 step forward and I take 10 back at times. He rejoices when I rejoice, and feels my pain at it's deepest.
Because of Him, I cannot stay the same. To do so, wouldn't allow me to acknowledge the transformative power in His name. Jesus and I are walking this life out together. One step at a time, big risks at times, and letting go of me every day. I want more Jesus, and less me. I've seen the way I do things- I've even seen where my thoughts take me- to places that quite frankly might literally terrify you. I hate to admit, that I still try to catch glimpses of the "pre-Jesus Ashley". She was exciting, young, and unrestrained; she was also lost, in pain, and restless. Like any good relationship, Jesus keeps me accountable by reminding me of those times. I cannot tell you how times a day I hear "you can't go back there because I have you here". Most days it's enough, and some days it's not. I get lost in the desire to be in the world, and without an anchor in God's word, I'd let myself go there because it feels good.
But I can tell you something about what feels good in the moment: It'll leave me feeling empty in the end.
I don't have what it takes to finish well on my own, but Jesus has all it takes. He's already finished it. In Him, I am solid, focused, and purposed. I'm discovering a new version of myself, a piece at a time because of Him. He is the lover of my soul. My hope. My desire. And like any meaningful relationship, I want to love Him well with a life well lived.
