Does anyone remember how they answered the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?". I can't remember exactly what I chose for an occupation, but I can tell you there was a time I knew exactly what I didn't want to be- a wife and mother. Before you get upset that I was throwing off the social norms for my gender, at the time (probably middle school and most of high school), I had bigger plans. I was going to be "important", make a ton of money, and never settle down. I never wanted to answer to anyone, and I only wanted to worry about me. Well, if you know me, you know how that panned out. I have been married, twice actually, and I have 3 kiddos. I'm not a doctor, pretty far from it really. I went to college with a pre-med major and quickly decided I didn't want to take all that Chemistry, so I changed my major to Psychology. I accomplished that 4 year degree 1 month before I had my first child. Little different plan than I had all those years ago. Funny how that works out.
I mentioned that I've been married twice, and it's that first marriage I'd like to share with you. My broken marriage. I was barely 21 years old when I met him. We got married quickly, within a year of meeting, and just before our first wedding anniversary, we had Alivia. We hadn't planned to have a baby so quickly, but we celebrated that none the less. The weeks following my delivery were the best weeks of our marriage. I still tell Alivia that her dad could look at me, and I knew he cared for me as the mother of his daughter. That he loved her, and acknowledged that we, together, brought her here. After almost 3 short years of marriage, we were divorced.
There would have been a time that I would have completely blamed him for the dissolution. I would have said that he wasn't the husband I wanted him to be; that I deserved to be happy; that I wasn't living the rest of my life "this way". I don't need to go in to the details of it all, but please know this: he wasn't completely to blame. I wasn't the wife he needed. I've learned marriage is a two-way street, and it's not simply about one person's happiness over the other. It's about a mutual commitment to each other, and to the covenant made before God.
If you find yourself in a place where you are struggling in your marriage, and thinking about quitting, I want you to keep reading. If you are giving up, or have already taken steps to accomplish that end, keep reading, too. Maybe you're marriage is going awesome, and you don't see how continuing on applies to you- I'd challenge you to acknowledge that things may not always be "easy"; that tough stuff will come up, and you'll need to remember this encouragement. In a effort to consolidate my best post-divorce advice in to one spot, I'm giving you 3 truths that you can take to the bank as solid. These are things, that in my young marriage, I needed to hear. It doesn't do any good for me to look back now and say "what if"; what is has been done, I can only hope to be an encouragement for others that find themselves in a similar situation. So, here we go:
1. The same God that created you and has loved you in spite of you- loves your spouse with that same unending love. The same Jesus that died for you while you were still a sinner, died for your spouse. The spouse that doesn't love you the way you want, or treat you with the respect you deserve- get this: God loves him/her in spite of it all! You are BOTH His children, created in His image, loved to the full extent of His love. No matter what's going on, the "good cop/bad cop" situation goes out the window when you know that you are both equally loved, equally undeserving of that love, and equally sinners saved by grace. It's no longer just you. When you committed to that marriage, you became one. Not two people working separately, but one flesh (Matthew 19:4-6; Mark 10:6-9).
2. Your marriage is worth fighting for. This is a tough one because you might find yourself in a marriage that is abusive- physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually. If that is you, my advice is get help from someone immediately. Take yourself, and your children if you have them, to someone you trust and know is a safe place. No one, I repeat NO ONE deserves to have to stay in an abusive environment. You are safe in the arms of Jesus. If you don't know Him, you should. He loves you, and will support you. Regardless, I want you to know that God loves your marriage. The promise that you made to each other before Him is everlasting, and should be protected. Your marriage is worth saving, pouring prayer over, and fighting for. I want you to do everything humanly possible, everything in your strength, to make that commitment last. And when you feel like your strength is gone, you call on God to be your strength. Don't give up.
3. Your happiness is fleeting, so basing your marriage on YOUR happiness will fail. We are sinful by nature, no good is in us (Romans 3:10-12). We chase the world, we chase desires and seek to satisfy ourselves, and if others don't meet those needs, then, we deserve better. When you start saying "I'm just not happy anymore", you need to hear this- you will never ALWAYS be happy because happiness is momentary, it's fleeting. Only the joy that comes from knowing God, and being fully known by Him, will focus your spirit in the place it needs to be. Following your heart is the WORST advice because our hearts our deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9). There will be days, maybe weeks or months or years, that you will need to CHOSE to love your husband or wife; you will need to make an active, intentional choice to love them regardless of what they have done. It's hard to set yourself aside for another that doesn't deserve it. Don't you think God understood that when He gave His Son's life in exchange for yours? Just like we chose to love God, we chose to love others (Deut.30:20).
My young, immature self may have heard those things and ignored them. You may feel the same way. But maybe you don't-- maybe you're hearing that whisper tell you that your marriage is worth it. Parenting your children together, and working through things is worth it. Putting yourself aside for someone that doesn't deserve a second look from you right now, is worth it.
On Easter, my ex-husband came to church with us. He doesn't attend regularly, if much at all, and it meant the world to our daughter that he agreed to come. His brother sat at the end of the row, him next, our daughter, and me. She sat between us, between 2 parents who failed her in a young marriage that was self-serving, and without Jesus. She sat between 2 parents who refuse to let the past sit between them. Instead she did. Almost uniting the two of us, making me think about all the times in the future we might be sitting together the same way. At graduations, school banquets, her wedding. Today, instead of wanting nothing more than to cut and run from him, I want him to know Jesus. I want him to find the joy and unending love than I have found. I want our daughter to see her parents (all of us!) love each other with the deep love that only comes from Jesus. I'm fighting for him now in a different way.
